You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
