Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
