Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
