I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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