you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
