John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize