You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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