Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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