Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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