with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
