Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize