Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
