We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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