I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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