I wish I only lived at night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
