I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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