I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
