Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
