Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
im on a boat
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