Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
