When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
