K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Damn victory sex feels great
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
