Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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