It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
