I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i think my cat just said my name.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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