Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
