I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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