I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
