i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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