i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
