Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
