Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
