my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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