you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
