PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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