I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
