Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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