Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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