Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
