New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
