i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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