I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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