Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize