i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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