I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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