she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
