Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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