Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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