Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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