I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
