my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
