There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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