Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
