It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
