So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize