it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
