Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
