You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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