So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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