I accidentally had phone sex last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize