You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
