Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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