meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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