i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
