just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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