Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
